By Gayle Alexander, a long-time Zen student
A few months ago, I told another long-time Zen practitioner that I remember when entering zendos in the 1980’s, the teachers and the older students looked like formidable, fearless mountains. I’ve never wished to be formidable but my deepest desire was to be free of fear, so I began to meditate.
I had no other thoughts about that brief conversation until the end of this July retreat with Mugen Roshi on the practice of Brahmaviharas. I was surprised and delighted from the very first day by the rapid pace of unfolding insights and shifts in perception. Not all that came to light was comfortable, but all was helpful. Changes began within the first week. Some seemed small but there’s an intuition that the seemingly small may turn out to be the most impactful. A few days in, I found myself cleaning the bathroom in a state of equanimity after fifty years of experiencing deeply habitual rage each time I began this chore. I’d been watching this reaction for several years and seeing how unrelentingly repetitive the habit of anger was and how it impacted me and the people around me. I have no idea how the shift happened and it’s possible it will return though I don’t think I will ever again succumb quite so completely. This change opened the door to being very curious as to what else can and will change.
A more global impact occurred slowly over several days while exploring these heart practices. Each day I found myself in a new place of understanding. I kept thinking I had arrived at an important new perception only it expanding further the following day. On July 20th, after intensely wondering why, during meditation, I kept experiencing being engulfed in strength, power and stability (I’ve repeatedly tried to pare this down to one aspect of the Absolute but it stubbornly refuses to be limited) over the past several years, a memory of a kensho in 2015 came up. While the description of that event would take a few more paragraphs – the most important point is that now, eleven years later, I finally recognized that fear had dropped away and I had not noticed. My greatest challenge – constant and debilitating fear, was gone. Over the past decade, there have been many more life challenges and I’ve definitely felt moments of anxiety but it is always brief and met with an attitude of acceptance. Before this event, I’d spent a lifetime constantly trying to generate power, strength and stability on my own. I remember this effort beginning in my earliest memories. This led to a lifetime of cycling from intense striving fueled by anxiety and fear to exhaustion and disabling depression. I now understand that I don’t need to generate these qualities on my own. The Absolute has demonstrated over and over that it provides what is needed. The support available is far superior to anything I was ever able to create. I just (as I’ve heard) need to get out of the way.
When this was seen, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. My trust in myself, my teachers, and the Absolute seems complete at this moment (though there remains still a small part that wonders if this trust can hold through all challenges). On the last day of the Brahmavihara retreat, I felt permeated with a feeling of satisfaction. While I remain open and welcoming, all hopes and aspirations of experiencing more openings, more falling away, has disappeared. I feel I’ve received more than I knew to hope for and gratitude is overflowing. For me, these Brahmavihara meditations feel very much like the ‘other half of Zen’. I very much hope that many other Zen teachers and students will be fortunate enough to find their way to these practices.